What is bereavement in obstetrics?
Bereavement in obstetrics is a heart-breaking and life-changing thing to go through – so why do so few people share their experiences? Not all bereavements are the same, although they do all end with grief of some kind. A bereavement in obstetrics can be different in many ways, depending on the parents’ journey. For some, it may be that it was their first pregnancy – an anxiety-inducing but also exciting experience. A miscarriage or still-birth at this point could make them fearful of future pregnancies, and is definitely a stressful and traumatic experience. It can also put strain on a relationship, as people handle grief differently. Some may have had multiple ‘failed’ pregnancies. I write, ‘failed’, because those who experience miscarriage after miscarriage may have feelings of failure – even though it is not their fault. In today’s world, surrounded by virtual pregnancy announcements and being bombarded by photos of the ‘dream’ life on social media, it doesn’t take much for feelings of failure to grow.
Grieving Parents
On the other side of this, some grieving parents have their feelings dismissed. Some people lack empathy towards those who are grieving, and those grieving an unborn baby are often told, “That’s just life, you can have another one”. Part of the reason for this could be that the person may not view the unborn baby as a person, so is unable to connect it to how they might feel after a loss. However, somebody who has been able to feel their baby grow and move, and maybe heard their heartbeat, might have a different perspective and be more empathetic. Not knowing how somebody might react is another reason that people might not share their experience of miscarriage.
Revealing Pregnancy Before 12 Weeks
Most people believe it’s bad luck, or simply a bad idea, to reveal a pregnancy before 12 weeks. This is because miscarriages are statistically more likely to happen at this point during the pregnancy. It is a very fragile stage. However, this means that a lot of people experience miscarriages and have nobody to talk to about it, because nobody knew about it in the first place. It is a difficult conversation to start either way.
Making Others Uncomfortable
Worries about what others think and feel also add to the brick wall that the bereaved face. A bereaved couple may not want to bring others down with feelings about losing their unborn baby. Understandably, the conversation around the topic can get very uncomfortable. In some ways, a couple or single parent might receive more support if their baby was born stillborn than if they experienced a miscarriage earlier on. Both are extremely difficult losses to deal with, and something that takes a lot of time to heal from.
Society
Society’s approach to bereavement in obstetrics is gradually changing. We can do more to support parents grieving during these difficult times. As I write this, it’s mental health awareness week and the theme is ‘kindness’. Kindness goes a long way in these difficult life situations.
Bereavement in obstetrics is more common than you might think, these words aren’t comforting at all to bereaved parents.
Bereavements are always followed by grief, which people express and process in many different ways.
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