A series of Freedom of Information requests on the state of public toilets in the UK paints a grim picture in urine, up against a wall , revealing that more than 1,782 of our public toilets have closed in the last decade.

The data shows that Newcastle and the London borough of Wandsworth now have zero public loos operated by their councils, as the job of providing us somewhere to wee -- and occasionally poo in a bowel movement scheduling emergency -- has been shuffled away from the public purse and into the hands of the coffee shops, pubs and book shops of the nation.

Or is a shame we don't have one unified establishment in which to have a piss, buy some drugs and get wanked off by a stranger any more?

Something that uses Wi-Fi network proximity to sense you're about to leave home, so asks you to check a box confirming you've done a wee and a poo and won't need to be held, like a toddler, over a street drain to relieve yourself in 30 minutes' time, while mum throws your soiled underwear in the bin rather than carry it home?

Drones carrying sacks of piss?

So what will it be -- cheap and familiar burger chain?

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