I am trying to pay for my extra-hot fair trade soya decaf caramel mint chocka mocha focka carbonated Bulgarian snow forest chai espresso latte plus vegan sprinkles and a twist of lemming with my handset, but it's not working.
Instead of the usual barcode and friendly payment prompt, all I'm seeing is a blank screen.
You'd think there'd been a puncture in a Zeppelin factory.
It would seem that the moment I walked in from the street, my data connection switched automatically from 4G to the café's Wi-Fi.
As you will be aware, such lack of shit-giving is commonplace.
If it was, there wouldn't have been a security breach in the first place.