Communication - Let's Find a Way to Connect

It is probably not hard to explain why relationships are important, but they are fundamental to our lives. We have them everywhere and it has been shown that social connection with others not only has mental health benefits, but also can help us in our daily lives with work, school, and of course with families. In each of these areas we are asked to learn how to communicate with each other and for every person that looks different. Sometimes the difficulty here is that people are not able to have the impact they wish to have on each other. I think of this as a loss in translation and inability to share what they are hoping to communicate. In this case we miss each other and are not able to connect and instead of feeling better or closer we might feel even more distant. In relationships we have many different feelings that come up and by being able to express our impulses of why we might want to share and our feelings in the moment, we might be able to connect.

Each of us might have struggled at one point in our lives with them. The reasons could be endless, but what seems to be an obstacle for many people is being able to find a way to communicate so that others can hear us and we can hear them. We all grow up and learn to engage differently based on our families, society, culture, and unique experiences. Sometimes we miss each other and don’t understand what the other person is saying, feeling, or experiencing. It can be scary to try and cross the chasm of miscommunication, but when we can truly share our feelings, we have a better chance.

Imagine having a friend that is going through a tough experience. They are sharing this experience with you and you can feel yourself feeling many different things, possibly sadness and pain. These feelings are possibly from the other person’s experience and you are able to empathize well with them and they could be from your own experiences coming up at that moment. By feeling these emotions you have your own reaction, which might make you want to do a variety of things such as help the person feel better or maybe you feel overwhelmed and want to escape that feeling. Because of these reactions we might try and “fix” the problem or shut down emotionally and have difficulty replying. However, none of this means you have to lose connection or that you can’t build closeness at that moment. Instead of immediately reacting, we could share our impulse and feelings with the other person. Although this is hard, if we stop to ask ourselves the questions, “Why am I about to share or speak? What is my intention and desire from sharing this? And what am I feeling at this moment?” we might end up doing what we were hoping to do. Maybe the desire is to make them feel better or for them to feel cared about. Although the action at that moment might do that, it also might miss. Try this out with a friend.

Practicing this with others can enhance our connection and create more intimacy. By doing this it also can help us grow more in touch with our emotions and be thoughtful in our communication with others. As a therapist, people sometimes come to see me to work on connection and intimacy difficulties. One method I use to help people engage in relationships is group therapy. By having a collection of people in a group I facilitate the process of group members connecting and engaging emotionally with each other. I sometimes will ask these very questions such as, “what's your impulse for wanting to share?” Using groups I aim to help people connect with each other so they might feel more comfortable and able to be sad, angry, and happy in their relationships, but also with themselves. Read more..