Effective Co-Parenting Strategies: How to Co-Parent Successfully

In co-parenting, parents or parental figures who are unmarried or live apart share the parenting of their children. Co-parenting can help children feel secure, loved, and supported by both parents. It can also reduce the stress and conflict often arising from separation or divorce. Co-parenting can also foster a positive relationship between the parents, making parenting more accessible and enjoyable. 

However, co-parenting can be challenging. It requires a lot of communication, cooperation, compromise, and respect. It also involves a lot of flexibility and adaptability, as co-parents may have to deal with changing circumstances and unexpected situations. Co-parenting can also involve legal issues, such as parent and child custody, property settlements, child support, and divorce applications. Co-parents may need professional law services to help them with these matters. 

How to co-parent

• Don't talk negatively about your co-parent to your child. This can hurt your child's self-esteem and make them feel conflicted or guilty. It can also damage your child's relationship with both parents. Instead, try to speak respectfully and neutrally about your co-parent, even if you disagree with them or have negative feelings towards them.

• Don't ask your child to take sides. This can put your child in a complex and unfair position. It can also make them feel anxious, confused, or angry. Instead, try to reassure your child that both parents love them and don't have to choose between them.

• Don't ask your child to spy on the co-parent. This can make your child feel uncomfortable and dishonest. It can also undermine the trust and respect between you and your child. Instead, try to respect your co-parent's privacy and boundaries. If you have any concerns or questions about what happens at the co-parent's home, you should ask the co-parent directly.

• Wait to involve new partners. This can confuse or upset your child, especially if they are still adjusting to the separation or divorce. It can also create tension or jealousy between you and your co-parent. Instead, wait until you have a stable and severe relationship before introducing a new partner to your child. You should also inform your co-parent beforehand and discuss how to handle the introduction.

• To communicate effectively with your co-parent. Communication is vital to successful co-parenting. You should be able to discuss matters about your child openly, without concern about either one raising personal or past issues. When you communicate effectively, resolving any conflicts becomes easier for all parties.

Here are some tips on how to communicate effectively with your co-parent:

• Be clear, concise, and respectful. Don't criticize, blame, accuse, or threaten. Your communication should be businesslike and focused on your child's needs.

• Cooperation is key. Think about how you will communicate your thoughts before you speak. Will you sound unreasonable or like a bully? Try to use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. For example, say, "I feel frustrated when you don't pick up our child on time" instead of "You are always late".

• Be consistent. Stick to the agreed-upon schedule and rules for communication. Only change them after discussing them with your co-parent first.

• Be flexible. Be willing to make adjustments or compromises when necessary. For example, if your co-parent has an emergency or a special occasion, try to accommodate their request for a change in the schedule.

• Be positive. Try to acknowledge and appreciate the good things your co-parent does for your child. For example, say, "Thank you for taking our child to the dentist" or "I'm glad you had a fun weekend with our child".

• Be proactive. Please don't wait until a problem escalates before addressing it. Try to anticipate and prevent potential issues before they arise. For example, if you know your co-parent is going on vacation, discuss how you will handle the contact and visitation arrangements in advance.

Things to avoid

• Don't use your child as a messenger. This can put your child in an awkward and stressful position. It can also lead to better communication. Instead, communicate directly with your co-parent using phone, email, text, or a co-parenting app.

• Don't use your child as a therapist. This can burden your child with your emotional issues and make them feel responsible for your happiness. It can also expose them to inappropriate or harmful information. Instead, seek professional help or talk to a trusted friend or family member if you need emotional support.

• Don't interfere with your co-parent's parenting style. This can be confusing or frustrating for your child and undermine your co-parent's authority. It can also create resentment or hostility between you and your co-parent. Instead, try to respect and accept your co-parent's parenting style as long as it is not abusive or harmful to your child.

• Only make significant decisions by consulting your co-parent. This can cause conflict and mistrust between you and your co-parent. It can also affect your child's well-being and development. Instead, involve your co-parent in any significant decisions concerning your child, such as education, health care, religion, or extracurricular activities.

Creating a co-parenting plan

A co-parenting plan is valuable for setting out the child's care arrangements, parental responsibilities, and the new relationship between you and your partner. Having a safe and healthy relationship with all your children's parents is crucial.

• A contact or visitation schedule: This should specify when and how often your child will spend time with each parent and where and how the exchanges will take place. The plan should be realistic, consistent, and flexible. It should also consider your child's age, personality, preferences, and needs.

• Education: This should include which school or preschool your child will attend, how you will share the costs of education, how you will communicate with the school or teachers, how you will handle homework and extracurricular activities, and how you will support your child's academic progress.

• Finances: This should include how you will share the costs of raising your child, such as food, clothing, housing, health care, education, entertainment, etc. It should also include how you will handle child support payments, if applicable.

• Medical needs or concerns: This should consist of which doctor or dentist your child will see, how you will share the costs of medical care, how you will communicate about medical issues or emergencies, how you will handle vaccinations or medications, and how you will support your child's physical and mental health.

• Holidays and special events: This should include how you will divide or share holidays, birthdays, vacations, religious celebrations, family gatherings, etc. It should also have how you will handle travel arrangements and passports if needed.

• Guidelines for decision-making and dispute resolution: This should consist of how you will make significant decisions that affect your child's well-being and development. It should also include how you will resolve any disagreements or conflicts that may arise in the future.

• Back-up arrangements: This should include what will happen if one of you cannot care for the child due to illness, injury, work commitments, etc. It should also have who will be the emergency contacts for the child.

You can develop a co-parenting plan or get help from a mediator or counselor. You can also use online templates or tools to create a co-parenting plan. For example, you can check out this co-parenting plan template from Parenting for Brain.

Seeking help

Co-parenting can be challenging and stressful at times. You may need some help and support along the way. 

• Family dispute resolution practitioners: These professionals can help you and your co-parent resolve any disputes or conflicts that may arise in your co-parenting relationship. They can help you communicate effectively, understand each other's perspectives, and reach mutually acceptable agreements. 

• Mediators: These professionals can help you and your co-parent create or modify a co-parenting plan that suits your child's needs and interests. They can help you negotiate the terms and conditions of your co-parenting arrangement, such as the contact or visitation schedule, the division of responsibilities, and the guidelines for decision-making and dispute resolution. 

• Relationship counsellors: These are professionals who can help you and your co-parent cope with the emotional and psychological aspects of co-parenting. They can help you deal with any feelings of anger, resentment, guilt, or grief that may affect your co-parenting relationship. Additionally, they can improve your communication skills, foster trust and respect, and enhance your co-parenting relationship. 

• Family lawyers: These are professionals who can help you and your co-parent with any legal issues that may arise in your co-parenting relationship. A family lawyer can help you understand your rights and responsibilities as a co-parent, advise you on the best course of action for your situation, and represent you in court if necessary. They can also help you draft or review a co-parenting plan or agreement that is legally binding and enforceable. 

Conclusion

Co-parenting is not easy, but it can be rewarding and beneficial for you and your child. By following some effective co-parenting strategies, such as communicating effectively, avoiding common pitfalls, creating a co-parenting plan, seeking help, and practising self-care, a healthy and stable environment can be created.

Remember that co-parenting is not about you or your ex-partner. It is about your child's best interests. Keep an open mind, be respectful, cooperate, compromise, and support each other as co-parents. Your child will thank you for it.